Unfinished Business

This has been an interesting year for me. Many of my friends have followed my journey with Paul's Boots. It was an honor to be one of forty people chosen to carry them, and from the moment I was notified I was beyond stoked for the task. I began to watch my diet. Again. Went back to the local gym. I would start small hikes to warm up, and begin to pick up the pace in the two weeks leading up to the trail date. In short, I was regaining some of the motivation that I had lost along the way. In its purest essence, that is what the Paul's Boots Project was all about. And I had bought into it.
 About one week prior to the big day our son Adam arrived into town. We both needed to warm up so we took a lovely hike through woods that have seen more bear poop than people, at least by our estimation. Halfway through I felt a little odd. Without being too descriptive let me just say that I realized I was bleeding internally. As Adam waited for me to finish my business a million thoughts raced through my mind. First, we were a good four miles into deep forest so I knew it would take a bit just to get out. Second, I didn't want to say a word, not to Adam or anyone. I did not want anything to derail my big hike the following week. I was also scared. I have battled kidney stone issues the past five years, I was actually hoping that it was just another round of that pain to deal with, and nothing more. The middle of the forest is a tough place for self diagnosis.
  We would make the slow hike out. I just told Adam I wasn't feeling great. The next week would be long with anticipation. And miraculously my symptoms had cleared up. So while I was still a little worried I packed my bag and prepared for our twenty one miles of Appalachian Trail. I would have some great friends joining me so I had support if I failed. But as we left Pinkham Notch to begin our hike my health issue was far from my mind. I was really excited to be there that  morning. I felt like a kid that day.

  

  So off we went. Adam and my old friend Tom and his son Tal would be there from the beginning, newer friend Doug and his younger son Makia would catch up to my slow pace. And heralded trail runner Kevin  must have needed some laughs as he gently escorted my wide load up a very narrow mountain. The Wildcat Ridge Trail had been in my sights for four months. I had read up on its challenges, was as mentally prepared as I could be. Rock climbing at times as much as hiking, I felt myself enjoying the challenges, both mental and physical. I would actually laugh as we reached the infamous chimney, realizing I had built it up in my mind to be much scarier than it was. Things were going as well as I could have hoped. We scaled Summit E, only four more peaks to go up and down and then a hot meal would be awaiting at the Carter Notch Hut. But it wouldn't be me if the story went as planned, now would it ?
  Sure enough, after a tough couple of hours, my health issue had returned. Except way worse. On top of Wildcat Mountain I was trying to comprehend what was going on. I was in a state of disbelief. And people were waiting for me. I would continue hiking, but with heavy thoughts inside my mind. Could I keep this a secret ? Should I even be hiking ? Why was I bleeding ? And what the hell was wrong with me ? The walk to Summit D seemed longer than it was. Upon arriving there it also became obvious that Paul's Boots, which I had chosen to wear instead of carry, were starting to fall apart. On top of the observation deck Makia and I attempted a boot repair with duct tape, a funny picture that will actually be in Backpacker magazine. But the boots were the least of my concerns. Everyone else had lunch but I could not eat, a combination of worry and heat. I drank some water. As we continued on I knew I had to let my group know. In general terms I said I wasn't feeling very well. I figured we had to get off the mountain no matter what, I would let them know more at the bottom.

  On the way down the boots blew completely apart. By the time I saw the Carter Lakes they were like a mirage. My pack was too heavy, my feet hurt from Paul's Boots. And my mind was wrecked. Kevin looked at my boots and offered to run out to meet Sue and bring me back a new pair. Because he is in amazing shape that was actually a realistic fix.  I thought about it for a bit. But I knew my problems were bigger than footwear.  I politely said I'd be ok. Tom, Tal, Adam & I would spend a beautiful night in Carter Notch. The winds howled through the notch with vigor. I would hear it most of the night as sleep eluded me.

 At four am I gave up, got dressed and went outside. I walked down to the smaller of the two lakes. I had this pristine spot to myself for over an hour. I would be blessed to watch the first rays of sun touch the top of Carter Dome, our goal for that morning. I soon realized that I had drifted into a fairly intense meditation, no longer wrestling with worry but somehow feeling the warmth of those rays of sun. Appreciating how lucky I was to be in that moment. Somehow feeling uplifted in spite of my health. Feeling Paul's Spirit, a man I will never meet in this lifetime but whose story would inspire me.  Soon Tom would arrive, and we would share this beautiful place and time. We have been friends for so long, it was just perfect to have him there. He was miffed I had not told him prior to our hike about my condition, though I was not sure what I would have said.  We agreed the prudent move would be to hike out that day, leaving some unfinished business on Carter Dome.
 The hike out was slow, I was truly disappointed. I tried to appreciate what we had accomplished versus what we left there, but it felt hollow. The ride home was a little hard, knowing the mission had fallen short. The weeks following would show a monster stone in my kidney that would require a couple of hospital trips. I am still going through testing as to why I produce so many. I can assure anyone who is fortunate to not know that you really don't want to. But the doctor also ruled out some scarier stuff and I'll take that as a win. In hindsight I will always believe that Paul blew those boots apart to provide me cover for an early exit. I felt his presence throughout the entire project, but especially at the lake that early morning. Sometimes one special hour can mean a lot in this life.

'